Text conversation is how you convert a match to a date. There are articles around discussing techniques like push-pull, negs and displaying value. I like to go for flirty, teasing and interesting. I think it’s the grown up way and the way that you will feel most natural with. One of the first articles I wrote for this blog was titled Negs are awful, flirt instead. I don’t like the concept that negging involves trying to lower a girl’s self esteem, so here Is an article where I will show how I do it, including actual example conversations from my Tinder account.
Whether you prefer the phrases flirting, teasing, negging, qualifiers or push-pull, they all have something in common – a little bit of positive and a little bit of (playful) negative. The combination of the two is what makes a conversation fun.
I think most people have heard of “negs”. Negs and negging were phrases used by Neil Straus in his book, The Game. if you haven’t read the book, then it…
Avoid being creepy and boring on Tinder
Paying a compliment to someone, or getting excited by the things someone else is into, are good things. We all love to chat about ourselves and things that we love. For example, when you find someone that also turns out to be a massive Black Mirror fan (if you haven’t watched black mirror, stop reading this and get on Netflix now) why would you not want to talk about your favourite episodes? And if someone, out of the blue, says to you, “hey, those shoes you’re rocking look great” – it makes you feel great, right?
But what if they also tell you they have the same favourite flavour of ice-cream as you, have never heard of your favourite musician, but think they must be awesome cos you like them, like the same cocktail as you, then when you change your mind about your favourite ice-cream they change it to be the same. Oh, and by the way your trousers (pants if your American), are amazing, and your t-shirt, even your socks are super cool – in fact, you have the best taste ever!!!!!
? It’s kinda getting a bit creepy now. And not only that, it’s getting a bit dull. Wouldn’t it be way better if that was a two way conversation, if the other person had some opinions of their own? That’s what all the flirting, negging, push-pull, qualifiers, displaying value and teasing techniques are trying to home in on – the idea that a fun and flirty conversation should challenge you. Neil Strauss talked about sh*t tests in his book – the idea that a girl will set you a challenge to overcome. This is the same kind of thing, but aimed at us by girls. Interestingly, when you get the hang of proper flirting (not just following the usual guides), shi*t tests cease to exist, they just become part of flirting.
Make texting an emotional rollercoaster by flirting
Boy or girl, we want flirting to be an emotional rollercoaster. Where we’re never entirely sure where the conversation will go next and where we can be over the top; both in feigning offence and enjoying compliments. The other exciting bit is that, when you are flirting well, it is genuinely fun. Tinder stops being a chore and starts being enjoyable in itself. This means you no longer need to always be thinking, how am I going to keep this girl interested, instead you can just enjoy the flirting and go for organising a date when you fancy it. I’m sure you can link this all to Neil Strauss’s thoughts on abundance mentality if you want. But enjoying flirting is a totally different mindset to the usual, when using Tinder, Bumble or other dating apps.
There is an important point in all of this, flirting on Tinder should be fun. At no point should we actually be offending anyone. This doesn’t mean you should do tiny little teases, sometimes the big ones work best, but they need to be done in a playful manner, where the other person can come right back at you. You need to make it a two way game.
Real life Tinder flirting examples
I think the best way to describe this is with some examples. So I’m going to place below some actual word-for-word extracts from my own tinder conversations. Some of them resulted in dates, some didn’t. I’m not going to tell you which, because the important thing is that I had fun, they had fun and we moved forward. So let’s dive in
Context: Pictures showing her as a party girl, out clubbing. Quite a few tattoos. Something in her bio about never breaking rules.
Me: And yet breaking the rules is the biggest fun ?. Or are you a goody two shoes? ?
Her: I’m not a good girl
Me: I don’t believe you. Think you’re making excuses so you can seem like a bad girl ?
Her: Yeah you’ve caught me. I’m an angel. There’s stain glass windows of my face in churches across the country.
Me: Wow, I’m honoured. Doubt I’m gonna live up to your standards. Kinda quite enjoy the odd sin.
Her: Do I look so cute and sin free to you? I might have to up the tinder photo game.
Me: Haha, well if you want to send some other pics on WhatsApp I’m at ***********, I’ll tell you how non-angelic they are.
Her: Bold Move.
Her: 4 messages deep and thinks I’m gonna send him nudes?
Her: Mamma brought me up better than that.
Me: Haha. I could try more vanilla and ask you what you’re watching on Netflix instead?
Her: Oh god. Or say “nice tatts” ?
Her: Or worse send me a gif.
Her: I am the type of girl to maybe send nudes but they might cost ya.
I know some people will want to analyse this conversation, so let’s do it. I’ll break this conversation down into pushes and pulls and other phrases that people have coined.
push: called her a good girl
response: over the top denial
push: called out her over the top response to being angelic and implied she is boring
response: need to up her photo game
pull: send me some pics
response: Over the top refusal
push/qualifier: Threat to withdraw the fun conversation we are having and replace it with a boring one.
response: laughter, hint of sending pics (note, I never asked for nudes), sh*t test about them costing me.
I’ve only labelled these as pushes, pulls, qualifiers and sh*t tests, so you can see what’s going on. Importantly, when I was having this conversation, I wasn’t thinking how do I push or have I done enough pushes vs pulls, is this a qualifier or a push, how do I react to her sh*t test. I just saw opportunities to tease her and took them. All the teasing was fun and playful – there was nothing insulting in any way whatsoever. There were some hints of being about sex, but nothing too explicit. In fact she mentioned nude pics, not me.
Let’s check another one.
Context: Bio had lots of travel pics and listed the university she went to. Probably Spanish, living in the UK. She had linked her Instagram, which showed some pics of Gillian Anderson.
Me: X-files fan or just fancy Gillian Anderson?
Her: Both. I love Gillian. How do you know? And I love sci fi.
Me: Ha ha, it was one one of your instagram pics . not an x-files fan particularly. But Gillian… Maybe we should try and organise an threesome. She’d definitely be up for that right?
Her: Well considering her latest show maybe lol ? to obsess with sex education I think.
That seemed to go well. By the second message, options for threesomes are being discussed! If you want the breakdown, here it is:
Pull: Interest in her likes
Response: happy I noticed
push: Don’t like the same show
pull/test: threesome suggestion
response: haha, maybe.
Again, this is not negging in any way. There is nothing in here insulting or bringing down self esteem. It’s all just good banter. I wasn’t sure if actually the threesome suggestion was kinda like a reversed Neil Strauss style sh*t test, in that I was basically daring her to not be offended by a threesome suggestion. She wasn’t, so I guess she passed.
Here’s one more for luck
Context: Lots of outdoor pics and a pic with her dog. No bio, so not a lot else to go on.
Me: freckles and a mountain lover. That’s like dark chocolate and strawberries – perfect combo. Only important thing left to know, what’s your favourite biscuit?
her: Haha hi! Mmmm strawberries and Dark chocolate! If i had to choose a biscuit it would be one of two that Lidl do! one is a raspberry and dark choc jaffa cake. The other is a choc chip cookie with hazlenut cream filling… you?
Me: Plain old ginger, excellent dunker. Those are some complicated biscuits. Are you as demanding with everything in life ??
Her: Haha hardly demanding! I love some dark chocolate with a glass of red…yum.
Me: Sounds like a perfect start to a night in. Your place or mine?
Me: And everyone is demanding in some ways. What’s the worst thing you do that really annoys a guy?
Her: Oh gosh! I don’t know… you’d have to ask my ex! He’d prob say lots 😉
Me: That’s such a cop out ?
Me: You don’t fart in bed or leave your dirty socks on the bathroom floor then?
Her: Haha nope…
Her: I hate washing up… but I guess living on your own you just have to do stuff!
Me: Something in common there
Me: I have a low tolerance for boredom. Especially where bad TV is involved. So don’t expect to get cuddles on the sofa watching X factor or big brother.
Her: ? I hate reality TV sh*te
Her: Not all girls are the same 😉
Me: Good stuff, so we can spend our time doing much more fun things.
Me: what’s your number, let’s swap to whatsapp
Her: More fun things like? What do you enjoy? Would prefer to keep chatting on here a bit longer if that’s ok?
This one is less overtly flirty than the previous two and I wanted to include it because she basically turned me down twice. Once with the (half joking, half optimistic) “your place or mine?” comment, and once to swap numbers. But we carried on the conversation after both these. Basically I wanted to show that even if something doesn’t go how you hope in a conversation, that doesn’t mean the end. In this case it just meant that she wasn’t that comfortable yet on Tinder. When you chat with someone like this, don’t be a get angry about it (read my posts about Tinder girls and not getting angry), respect it and carry on. Some of my most fun dates have been with girls who seemed a bit unsure about me or Tinder in general to start, but warmed to me as time went on.
That match fizzled out again. You can’t even count the number of times it’s happened. The conversation was just dull frustration then ground to a complete halt. But you protected…
I’m not going to analyse this conversation. I’ll let you do it. I’m sure you can easily spot the pushes and pulls and things now.
As a last set of quotes I thought I’d just put up some other random texts that I found in my history, that I think all fall in the flirty category.
I’m not sure if your bedside drawer is full of cute notepads and self help books or sex toys and rope?
What are you up to? Guess it’s not yoga in the wind nor petting elephants? (reference to her photos)
You weren’t out on a hen do (bachelorette party) snorting coke off hookers then? (reference to a pic in Amsterdam)
A Pyjama party sounds fun. Presumably it’ll be red wine with takeaway followed by a pillow fight? (this was later in the third conversation above)
If we’re having a night in with takeaway, what does it need to be? this could be grounds for divorce if we’re not careful!
What a terrible person I am ?
All of these could presumably come under the category of push pull, qualifiers, negging or some other strategy that someone has named. But I prefer, banter, flirting or teasing – they just feel like more grown-up words.
In this post, although I’ve given you some examples, I haven’t given you a big long list of lines to use, or a script to follow. That’s because flirting has to react to what the other person says. This means the only way to get good it to practice. I started out on Tinder with lots of regular conversations about holidays and what are you doing at the weekend – small talk. I slowly pushed my boundaries and tried out being a bit more over the top and it worked. The more over the top I was, the more interested girls were and the more fun I had. Importantly, it gave me the freedom to be me – suddenly I could talk about anything I wanted and that was pretty liberating. I think the girls I chatted with picked up on that and liked it too. So get on Tinder. Be outrageous. Spot and take the opportunities to tease. Chat with every match. Find the right balance for you. Practice flirting and being yourself. The more you do, the better you’ll get and the more fun you’ll be to chat with and the more fun you’ll have.
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